I can relate. It’s crazy to think how much more pronounced my fears became after my husband died, some 7 years ago.
Before his death, anything as extreme as someone close to me dying was too abstract and hypothetical to actually conceptualize. It was in the “happens to other people” category of my brain. (Sound familiar?)
Then he died, and my illusions of immunity broke down completely.
Now, I find myself, on occasion, lying in bed at night, tortured with thoughts of something terrible happening to my children or my current husband. I fear I’ll wake up, and they’ll be gone. Just gone.
Because that’s how it happened before. At least, that’s how it felt.
And, in my over-exhausted brain, that’s how it could happen again. At least, that’s how it feels.
So what do you do when the worst thing imaginable happens, and then you have to live with the knowledge that the “worst thing” can always happen - and at any time?
I’ll tell you right off the bat what not to do: do not submit to living your life in fear. Anxiety is not the answer.
If you’re consumed with the past or obsessed with the future, you will never find happiness or peace in the present. #fact
Yes, something terrible happened. Yes, it could happen again. And no, you cannot control it.
All you can do is try your best and let go.
And when I say “try your best,” I do not mean spend an inordinate amount of time installing self-protective devices, building up defensive walls, or sheltering in place. Extremism never saved anyone from anything. It just made people miserable and lonely.
So what do you do? This: Keep living your life.
By all means, wear a seat belt, hike with a buddy, avoid carcinogens when you can. BUT don’t obsess over potential threats or ways to avoid them. There are reasonable, healthy, normal levels of self- and family-preservation, and there are levels that are unhealthy and down-right destructive. (Side note: There are studies that show that the fear of a negative event happening is often more damaging than actually experiencing the negative event itself. Google your way down that bunny hole if you’re interested in learning more about that part of the power of psychology.) In short, you have to keep living. Hiding in fear only perpetuates fear. Living your life, that’s the way you show fear it can’t win.
At some point, no matter what you’ve done “right” or “wrong,” no matter how much or how little you’ve invested in staying “safe,” you have to just let go of trying to control your fate. Or anyone else’s. Life is a giant trustfall. You can twist in agony as you go, clawing at the sky, or you can accept that that’s what’s happening and trust that somehow, someday you will be caught.
When I’m having those panicky late nights, worrying about the worst, I have found that the best thing I can do is say a prayer and remind myself that my fears are not facts. I tell myself that the horrible thing that happened to me before (ie tragically losing my husband) isn’t doomed to happen again.
I remind myself that even though that terrible thing happened one day, it doesn’t happen to me every day. Most days, I wake up and everything is fine. I tell myself: “This morning, you woke up, and everything was fine. Tomorrow, you’ll wake up and everything will be fine.” Because, odds are, it will be.
Usually, by talking to God and talking to myself, I’m able to get myself to sleep this way. Please note though: if you experience fears persistently, or have trouble falling asleep regularly, you should absolutely seek out professional help. Try seeing a therapist, counselor, or a grief coach to learn how you personally can process your grief-born fears better.
But if, like me, you generally don’t struggle, but occasionally hit that wall, I hope these ideas help. There are so many other coping skills that could help as well, and I’d love to hear what’s worked for you! Please comment or message me personally to share how you cope with fears like the ones I’ve mentioned here.
Whatever your go-to coping skills may be, the key is to remember and use them when trouble arises. Don’t let your trauma, however big or small, define your daily reality. Your trauma was not and is not your entire life. Just a part of it.
It is YOU, not your trauma, that has the power to overcome.